ACT FOUR

Defects? What Defects?


(The psychologist: is seated at his desk with a lunch box and open thermos. A lady throws the door open and walks over to the couch where she makes herself comfortable.)

PSYCHOLOGIST: Look, Esmeralda:, the sign on the door says Out to Lunch.  Can’t you see I’m trying to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

ESPERALDA: Out to Lunch is your normal state, so what else is new?

(Getting his pad, pen and a bundle of papers, the psychologist: goes to sit in his armchair by the couch.)

PSYCHOLOGIST: Well, the results of your psychological tests are back.

ESPERALDA: So, what kind of fruitcake am I, Doc?

PSYCHOLOGIST: You mean you don’t know after all these years? Were you not paying attention?

ESPERALDA: The people in Gamblers Anonymous say I have character defects and that I should get them removed. Just tell me what’s wrong with me and fix it.

PSYCHOLOGIST: There you go again, expecting other people to fix you. How many psychologists does it take to change a mind?

ESPERALDA: I know that old joke. Only one, but the mind has to want to change, right?

PSYCHOLOGIST: Very impressive.

ESPERALDA: Are you going to tell me about my tests or do I have to choke it out of you?

PSYCHOLOGIST: The tests help us to see if you might have some major mental illness called a psychosis, or, on the other hand, perhaps a personality disorder. Someone with a personality disorder is usually seen as a ‘difficult’ person, but not ‘crazy.’  The idea of personality disorders is very similar to the idea of character defects.

ESPERALDA: So, I’m probably a serious mental case?

PSYCHOLOGIST: Not really. Seems like you have good contact with the real world and aren’t severely depressed, at least not to the point of needing immediate help with that kind of thing. If I thought you had a major mental illness like schizophrenia or a manic-depressive disorder I’d send you down the hall to my friend Dr. Fribble since there are some great chemical helpers he can use for those problems.

ESPERALDA: I’m normal. Great!

PSYCHOLOGIST: What did I say to give you that impression?

ESPERALDA: My hands are getting closer to your neck, Doc. On with it! What’s my problem?

PSYCHOLOGIST: You’re a pathological gambler.

ESPERALDA: You didn’t need any tests to figure that one out.

PSYCHOLOGIST: True. But the tests help in my research. Besides, there could be other problems.

ESPERALDA: So, what are they?

PSYCHOLOGIST: Well, if you feel like choking people you might have an antisocial personality disorder characterized by a troubled childhood, rebelliousness, lying, poor impulse control, anger, a tendency to fight or steal, recklessness, indifference to the pain of others, absence of any guilt . . .

ESPERALDA: Is that what the tests say? I want to know exactly and precisely what they tell us.

PSYCHOLOGIST: That begins to sound like an obsessive-compulsive personality. This would imply a love of order, keeping exact schedules and fretting about details. You would lose sight of the big picture in your obsession with rules. You would be a perfectionist, devoted to work, inflexible, maybe a chronic hoarder of useless objects. You might be miserly, over-controlling, and rigid.

ESPERALDA: Hey, Doc, I’m cool, hip and slick. You’ve got it all wrong. People look up to me. I just wish they wouldn’t put me up on a pedestal and expect too much from me.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Oh, dear. Now we’re starting to sound like a narcissistic kind of personality. Very hard to live with. You sound pretty stuck on yourself. Grandiose. Self-important, superiority complex, think you’re so special and above it all, always demanding admiration, feel like you’re entitled to special treatment and envious of others who succeed. You could be arrogant and indifferent to the pain others feel.  Narcissists are very hard to treat.

ESPERALDA: I ask a simple question and you twist it all around.  You’re out to get me, aren’t you?

PSYCHOLOGIST: Feeling a bit persecuted, eh? Dreaded paranoid personality disorder comes to mind. Unreasonably suspicious, living a conspiracy theory life, never trusting anyone, secretive, panicked at the thought of any criticism, love to harbor those old grudges, thin skinned, quick to counter-attack . . .

ESPERALDA: You know, you make me just want to go out and hide in a closet or bury my head in the sand.

PSYCHOLOGIST: I see. That would be an avoidant personality disorder, then. Always hiding from people, a total loner, fear of criticism, needing a guarantee that others will like you, unable to carry on an intimate relationship, socially inhibited, inferiority complex, fear of embarrassment . . .

ESPERALDA: What do I have to do to get you to talk sense, get up on a stage and act like some nut?

PSYCHOLOGIST: Do you like being on stage? That’s very histrionic! Perhaps a histrionic personality disorder fits here. Such people are a bit dependent on approval but they love the limelight. They can be attractive, seductive, shallow and very concerned with their physical appearance. They’re often given to vague, dramatic speech, exaggeration, always playing to an audience . . .

ESPERALDA: The longer I talk to you the more I sense reality slipping out of my hands.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Oh, well then, let’s think about a schizoid personality disorder for a minute. Those unfortunate people can be pretty detached from the real world. Solitary, distant, can’t relax enough to enjoy sex or good food, indifferent to praise or criticism, cold, lost in their own peculiar world . . .

ESPERALDA: Look, I was hoping I could depend on you for some firm answers here.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Dependent, eh? A dependant personality disorder would suggest that you have trouble making your own decisions. You’d be out there always looking for advice and never sure what advice to follow. Yes, taking responsibility would be a problem along with difficulty talking about any unique opinions of your own that you might have. No initiative, needy, approval-seeking, always feeling helpless, depending on others . . .

ESPERALDA: Sheesh! What else do you have?

PSYCHOLOGIST: There are about a dozen different personality disorders that we recognize, but I can say with some certainty that you are not in need of seclusion in a mental hospital. So far you don’t seem to be a danger to yourself or others. By danger, I mean an immediate threat to life, not just being a pest who interrupts a nice psychologist: like me at lunchtime.

 ESPERALDA: I read a book once about how to deal with difficult people. I think you were in it.

PSYCHOLOGIST: People with severe personality disorders are commonly seen as difficult by the rest of the world. But, with determination and help, they can change. People with serious defects of character are pests, too. But, if they want to, and if they work at it, they can change and have a better life.

ESPERALDA: It isn’t easy being difficult! Give us a little credit.

PSYCHOLOGIST: There are a thousand ways to be difficult and to annoy others. So, I don’t think there is any one best way to deal with difficult people. Each of us is difficult in his or her own, unique way. But, there’s really only one way to be nice—to be normal, if you like. All spiritual people seem to be similar in the ways in which they of act and think.

ESPERALDA: If I got rid of my character defects, or if they got removed, I’d be so nice and so normal life would be boring. I’d just be normal . . . yuck.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Normal people don’t seem to be bored being normal, and normal isn’t in the book as a personality disorder.  Why don’t you just try to be average, unremarkable, common, ordinary, and unusual—in other words, normal? Normal people make the world go ‘round.

ESPERALDA: Let me lay a diagnosis on you, Doc. How does O.P.D. sound, Outrageous Personality Disorder. I think you made it.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Some of my best friends have called me worse. You have something I call normophobia, a pathological fear of being normal.

ESPERALDA: So, what personality disorder do I have?

PSYCHOLOGIST: None.

ESPERALDA: Then I don’t have any defects of character?

PSYCHOLOGIST: Of course you do. We all do.

ESPERALDA: O.K., what are they. Tell me and I’ll work on them.

PSYCHOLOGIST: No. You wouldn’t listen if I did tell you. Besides, tests are nice, but I really don’t know for sure what defects you actually have. Ask your family. Ask your friends. Ask your boss. Ask the people in Gamblers Anonymous. Ask your sponsor. When they answer, shut up, listen, don’t argue, and be sure to take notes.

ESPERALDA: But, you said other people wouldn’t know me nearly as well as I do.

PSYCHOLOGIST: You have to learn how to ask. Start by asking your G.A. sponsor for a list of character defects. They have a list at most meetings.

ESPERALDA: Why don’t you just give me a list to choose from?

PSYCHOLOGIST: In G.A. the list is free. I’d have to charge you for it, and you still owe me for several sessions.

ESPERALDA: Do I have to pick out my own character defects?

PSYCHOLOGIST: Yes, of course. We value most what we discover for ourselves.

ESPERALDA: How do I decide what they are?

PSYCHOLOGIST: The most accurate vision of yourself will be found reflected in the eyes of your closest friends and family.  Look in the right mirrors. Look into their eyes and listen to their voices. Then decide for yourself. Learn to use information and take control of your life.

ESPERALDA: How do defects get removed?

PSYCHOLOGIST: How do you get anything you want?

ESPERALDA: Make a wish list for Santa Claus?

PSYCHOLOGIST: Could be, but a list of what?

ESPERALDA: Well, I don’t want the defects, I guess. I want whatever they aren’t. I want the opposite of what I’ve got. Is that right?

PSYCHOLOGIST: O.K., so make a list of character assets that are the opposites of the defects you have, the defects you and your closest friends think you have. Then practice doing the assets.  Practice out in public where others can see the changes. I think that you know already in your heart what you need to work on. Just get a little help along the way.

ESPERALDA: So, you’re dead serious about my making real personality changes myself?

PSYCHOLOGIST: If you’ll excuse me, I want to finish my sandwich and re-heat my coffee.  Drop in again sometime and we’ll look at those tests.

ESPERALDA: You know what you can do with your tests, don’t you, Doc?

PSYCHOLOGIST: Now you sound like some kind of oppositional personality.

(Close curtain. A group of children come center stage in a spotlight. They sing a number of nursery rhyme songs while acting out the words. They leave and Act Five begins.)
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